Healing Through Authenticity: The Role of Genuine Relationships in Building Confidence
Have you ever felt a pain in your chest—not from heartbreak, but from a deep sadness that lingers in quiet moments? Maybe a sense of emptiness, even when surrounded by people? I know I have. Despite appearing to have a fulfilling life, I often felt a deep loneliness. It was as if something was missing, a piece of my soul that I couldn't quite identify.
This inner ache led me to reflect, research, and write an article years ago that explored the connection between loneliness, authenticity, and true connection. Today, I’m reintroducing it because the lessons I learned then are even more relevant now, and I believe they could resonate with you.
The feeling I was grappling with is something many people experience—what some call the "dark night of the soul," a term coined by the mystic Saint John of the Cross. This isn’t just spiritual fluff; it’s a real, transformative experience. Carl Jung’s concept of individuation also touches on this, where you are forced to confront the deepest parts of yourself, including the hidden shadows. The journey is painful, but it’s ultimately a powerful one.
As I embarked on that journey of introspection, seeking to understand my heartache, I realized I was feeling incredibly lonely. That void was so large I could literally feel my heart was broken. And, spoiler alert, I learned that the answer wasn’t about repairing external relationships. It was about reconnecting with my true self and recognizing my needs.
This finding was liberating because I understood I wasn’t crazy. Science supports the idea that prolonged loneliness and emotional disconnection can lead to physical pain and long-term health issues. It’s not just psychological; it affects your body too. My pain was real, and at least knowing that, helped.
As I continued exploring, I realized, that this lonely feeling, was not about not having access to people, no matter how many people were around me, I still felt very lonely, the void was still there. In fact, the larger the groups the larger my void was. So while researching, I wanted to understand what real connections meant, and I discovered that only genuine, nourishing connections could truly fill the void of loneliness—and once again, this is science-backed.
My intuition was right from the beginning. When I felt inspired to make out of these feelings a research project, I first titled my article “Why I Quit Superficial Friendships.” It all made sense, and all the dots connected. When the article was published, tho, the editors renamed it “Social Needs and Loneliness in the 21st Century.” Maybe my original title was too raw, but hey… keeping it real, right?
Years later, life tested my hypothesis again. I formed new friendships, but over time, I recognized they weren’t truly nourishing. These were rice cake friends—relationships that seem fulfilling but leave you empty.
You’ll know what I mean as you read the article. So, grab a coffee and get comfortable. Let’s explore your soul, authenticity, and freedom. You might find a few rice cakes in your own life, too.
Here’s another spoiler to close the circle I started in 2021: when you begin living authentically, loneliness fades, and true supporters—your tribe—enter your life. Genuine connections nourish your soul, helping you heal and grow.
Social Needs and Loneliness in the 21st Century
Why socialization has and always will be important
Socialization has played a crucial role in our evolution. The ability to engage with our peers is a survival mechanism pushed by our brains.
Think about it, how could a human survive millions of years ago without teaming up to hunt?
Throughout the years, we developed complex and multiple ways of cooperation suiting our living purposes. Now we have reached a state in which, despite being a part of the collective interaction system, we can technically live, keeping our contact with other humans to the minimum.
These days most of us can meet our — fundamental — needs so effortlessly. Do we still need to be that much socially engaged?
Even if we would not want to remain social, we might have no other option.
Social needs (behavior-interaction) register in our brains in different ways. One of these is the anxiety of separation.
For instance, humans are born defenseless, entirely depending on their caretakers. In simple words, from the moment we are born, we need to establish an engaging connection with another human to survive. It is a signal that has to go both ways, though. Crying for help is useless unless it gets a response.
Accordingly, human brains are structured to receive these signals to assist others.
Our brains are also emphatic. The brain processes knowledge more effectively when the purpose of that knowledge is to be shared.
What about when these signals do not get any response?
As you might have anticipated, it unfolds a chain of events in our brain wireframe. Dr. Matthew Lieberman, the social psychologist, elaborates on this topic. He argues that social pain — the pain of being excluded — and physical pain have something in common.
Through neurological experiments, he observes that the responses to rejection are codified in the brain in the same region as physical pain is. As we know, pain is a warning sign that alerts us to take action towards a threat.
In other words, the fear of rejection encourages humans to establish connections with other humans.
The validation of our existence, the way we behave, what we like to do, and how we do it is then strictly attached to the approval of a group.
One of the most common ways that we use today to connecting with others is social media. There, we show a version of us that might be attached to a list of societal requirements based on superficial — most of the time unrealistic — parameters.
It comes as no surprise that a large number of people feel disconnected, depressed, or isolated. The fear of being excluded makes the pressure of belonging somewhere extenuating. Often, we are willing to compromise our true selves to please a given tribe.
Is our brain up to date with these patterns of validation?
Take the case of the brain reward system. The areas of the brain associated with rewards get activated by acknowledgeable pleasant things like money, food, or beauty.
Nevertheless, as Lieberman observes, “the sense of being liked, loved, respected, and feeling understood” might produce a greater activation in the brain.
Is that not an argument to support that seeking deeper connections might be a perfectly normal neurological response?
The truth of the matter is that when individuals crave deeper connections and all they get is a shallow interaction, they are left behind with a horrible gap sensation.
As Dr. Lieberman (2016) points out, in terms of finding a partner 300 years ago, your options summed up to the three people living in the farmer next to yours. Now the swiping option makes that choice almost endless. — Is this the reason why we give so little value to our relationships nowadays? —
Andrea Courtney (2020) explains that it is not about the number of friends you have but how close you feel to the ones you have and whether or not you are receiving the social support needed. This is valid for any connection.
In these terms, loneliness is an absence of connection with others rather than the number of people an individual surrounds.
It is like eating a rice cake when what you want is a piece of chocolate.
Studies suggest that a vicious cycle starts at a neurological level. The lonelier you feel, the bigger your perception of disassociation toward other individuals. Ergo, the more you will isolate yourself.
Pushed by a threat of isolation, the brain enters in a self-preservation mode. John Cacioppo, a late Distinguished Service Professor at the University of Chicago, warns about the danger of loneliness from a societal aspect.
He states that when the brain goes into self-preservation mode, the person becomes less emphatic. The brain focuses on self-safeguarding rather than concern about other people.
In simple words, prolonged isolation makes us numb.
And that is not where it ends. It is also necessary to point out the danger it means to our health.
Self-preservation mode implies that our body is under constant stress. The brain will liberate more cortisol — the stress hormone — worsening your sleeping patterns and depriving your body of the rest it needs. Accordingly, this has a direct impact on your immune system.
As Professor Cacioppo remarked, “it increases the odds of an early death by 45%”.
Choosing deeper relationships does not necessarily mean loneliness.
Validating our emotions is relevant. Loneliness is a painful process, and the people around you might not understand what you are going through. The concept of loneliness is attached to a lot of unfair stigmas. Society tends to disgrace outsiders.
Now you know that when you feel rejection, it might be just a perception. It might be your brain stuck in that self-preservation mode triggered by prolonged loneliness. Can it be?
Our current lifestyles give us a sense of liberation and detachment. Still, we seek to connect to others. Probably, our brain is not catching up with our new understanding of self-sufficiency.
— Can we speculate? and state that: intellectually, we might be a step ahead of our evolution timeline? Who knows — The empathic condition of the brain is a remarkable quality anyway.
The truth is that we do search indeed, deeper connections. As we know now, the sense of being understood gives us a significant amount of pleasure.
For this fellow writer, that is the decisive argument. We quit superficial relationships because they make us feel disconnected. After all, there is more gratification in our brain when it comes from love and respect.
In these terms, there is not a single way of defining what deeper relationships are, or for that matter, how to achieve them. It will be different for everybody. It is relevant to know, however, what this means for you.
Why is this important? Recognizing what you want to share with the world will finally bring you closer to the people who will understand you. It will make the difference between getting that rice cake or that chocolate we mentioned before.
It is well established now that socialization is essential. It is also clear that our brains prompt this process. The cue factor of our evolution is in our ability and willingness to connect with others.
Let us embrace our evolution.
Are you ready to break free from the cycle of superficial connections and embrace a life of authenticity and fulfillment?
If so, I invite you to take the first step. Book a complimentary discovery call to explore how we can work together to unlock your full potential.
Resources:
Cacioppo, J. T., Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. USA: W. W. Norton.
Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. USA: Crown.
Newport, C. (2019). Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World. Vereinigtes Königreich: Penguin Books Limited.
Journal Article (Electronic)
Andrea L. Courtney and Meghan L. Meyer. Journal of Neuroscience 15 July 2020, 40 (29) 5616–5627; DOI: https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.2826-19.2020
